Hi guys, just had the results this morning and he died of Renal Failure.  So i now know that no matter how long i would have worked on him i would not have got him back.  This does make me feel a little better but i still feel very guilty about moving him.  I am pleased that he died at home with his family, he died in my arms, but i am angry at the three doctors and one matron, that my mum called out to him, that did nothing.  If they had admitted him to hospital he may still be with us now, how i wish he was.  I also know that they may have taken him in and stuck needles in him and scanned him and he may still have died and he may have been on his own.  So i am glad that he died at home with his family, but i am still sure that if he would have had different treatment from our gp's that he would still be here with us now.  He was taken away from us too soon, he had another twenty years left in him, he was only 64.  I am totally devestated and i know that i will never get over this.  I thought life before this was bad, and i didn't realize that it could get any worse, but it has.  I feel like i have gone right back to how i was when my PTSD, anxiety and panic first started.  Walking in a floaty dream most of the time, don't feel like i am actually here, very scared all the time and i am not coping.  

Another thing is work.  As some of you may know i work in a gp surgery but i have been off work with PTSD for the past three months.  My sick note runs out on the 1st Oct and i was going to go back, still looking for another job though.  But if i even think about work i start to feel unreal and panic, i know this is probably normal, but it scares me.  Feel like i'm really losing my mind and i will just collapse and die at any time.  I am shaking most of the time again too, i have jelly legs and my dizziness is so severe i am nearly falling over again.  I know that my gp, the one that didn't admit my dad, would give me another sick note - no problem - but i don't feel like this is an option as my money, wages, each month will now stop.  I have been there for 4 years and i only get two months wages while i am off, then it goes to two months at half pay, then nothing at all.  I have to carry on paying my mortgage, my husband is classed as disabled so he gets benefit only, and i don't know how we are going to manage or what to do.  I am still looking for another job, but i am finding everything so hard at the moment, even just to live, to get up in the morning, when i don't know who or where i am, so very difficult.

I am sorry this post is so long, really struggling at the moment here.

My mum was only 66 when she died very suddenly - similar circumstamces to your dad, though I wasn't there. All I can say is that it does get easier - you never get over it, but eventually you come to terms with it. There are always things that are sad - my mum never got to see any of her grandchildren for example, - but as time passes you will look back and be grateful for the time you had together.  

Don't feel you have to be brave - I cried everyday for an hour at a time for 4 months. I was just about okay at work but cried in the car all the way home. People understand.

I know it's a terrible shock and the fact that it comes on top of your other problems makes it harder. You will get through this, though, it just takes a long time. Best wishes.

Hi Angie,
sorry you're going through such a difficult & upsetting time.
I just wanted to say that it's completely natural to be thinking so much about what's happened. When my mum died I found myself going over & over events & thinking 'if only...' etc.
However, eventually that will all settle down & you will find that you stop thinking so much about his death & more about his life. You've been through quite a trauma & it will take you a little while to come to terms with that. As Saab said it does get easier, I made sure that I neither fought nor forced my grief & if I felt OK then I felt OK, but on bad days I just accepted it & knew I'd soon feel better.

I know your dad was young to die but my mum was 79 & I don't think that made it any easier, she was still my mum no matter what age she was but I understand what you mean when you say he should have had much longer, when my father-in-law died at 67 that was the thing that most upset my in-laws, it just seemed so unfair.

What got me through the funeral was that we made it as much of a celebration of her life as possible, we wrote a tribute about her which a family member read at the church service. We talked about her life, her skills, qualities & strengths, funny things she said & did & how much she meant to us & her grandchildren.
We also had a reading of a verse called 'She is Gone' which I found very helpful. If you google the title  you'll find it. Apparently the Queen had it included at the Queen Mothers funeral so I thought -well if it's good enough for the Queen Mum!!!!
I did a photo montage of her life & everyone enjoyed looking at this at the house afterwards.
I wanted people to see her as a vibrant, beautiful young woman not just the old lady she'd become.
Then, after everyone had gone, we took the grandchildren to the park & they released helium balloons with messages to nanny inside them as we wanted them to be involved in some way. It kind of finished the day perfectly. These were the last things we could do for her & I wanted it to be a way of showing our love for her. Being able to give her a 'good send off' for want of a better phrase, helped me cope with the funeral & although it was an incredibly emotional day it was kind of bittersweet. Planning all this helped to fill that 'limbo' period before the funeral & kept me busy.

I know this is all about me & my experiences but I'm just trying to help by telling you what helped me.
My heart goes out to you Angie, it's a tough time.
I once heard someone say 'grief is the price you pay for love' & it is so true.
Take care
love Seffie xx