Well, what a day!!
Had to get up very early to go and get my dad's car and take our car to the place where the wake would be so we had transport home. Dropped our car off then had to get in my dad's car and pick up auntie and go to my mum's. Not good so far. Then relatives were coming to my mum's, harder still, then the funeral cars came. By this time i'm becoming a wreck. Got to and in the church and i stayed for the whole hour long service. Had panic attack after panic attack and didn't think i would stay conscious, terrified that i would faint and die. Terrible trying to get out of the church then all people were coming up and hugging me, made me worse! Everyone commented on how wonderful my poem was that the priest read out and when he did i broke down then. It was so very hard.
Back in the car and down to the cemetary. I stayed in the car with my daughter and one of my sons, couldn't go and stand and watch the coffin go in, had enough by then. Then we went to the wake. I just sat there and drank tea. I was still having panic attacks as i sat and just gormed out for most of it to be honest. Just kept drinking the tea!! Didn't think i would make it out of there and into the car, but i did, then we brought my mum back to ours. She wanted me to go to her house, but i said i needed to come home so she came with us. Been trying to take my mind of everything now with the internet. Today was so hard, but i did go and i did do it. I did it for my dad and everyone has said how well i have done. I don't feel like i did well as i was such a wreck, all the symptoms i was having were awful, everyone that is possible, i had it 10 fold. But i did survive and i am still here to tell the horrible tale. Never thought i would do it. I am still in a state, still shaking, and i'm still drinking tea!! Just can't believe that he has gone and i have come through this. I miss him so much and this has changed my life completely, nothing will ever be the same again and that is very, very sad.

Hi Angie,
so glad for you that the funeral etc is over, it is so emotionally draining, I know how you feel.
You need to make sure that you take some time now to rest & recover from the trauma of the past couple of weeks. It takes a lot out of you.
I know what you mean when you say nothing will ever be the same again, I feel that I have been changed forever by losing my mum but I just want you to know that it really does get easier. I found once I'd passed the one year mark that I felt a kind of peace & acceptance about it all. I wasn't thinking as much about what had happened when she was ill etc but more about her life & the happy times we'd shared. When my mum died I think I was shocked to realise just how big she was in my life, I thought I already knew that but losing her left a gaping hole in my life & I am only now learning to 'patch over' that hole!
I just want to let you know that it really does get easier & although you will probably always miss your dad it will become easier to bear. You need to remind yourself that your dad would want you to be happy & to remember the good times you shared.
It's been 14 months since my mum died, I miss her every day & I still sometimes think 'oh, I must ring mum & tell her...'! It's hard but you'll get through it, grieving is different for everyone but I found that the different stages aren't linear, it is almost cyclical, good days & not so good.
You'll be fine Angie, just take it one day at a time.
Take care
love Sarah xx