angiebaby
Gold Forum Member
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Posts: 261
england
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It may be difficult for some people to understand, unless they have actually been in some sort of distress, and i know that i am not alone in this also. I can still hear myself three years ago and before that, thinking to myself of others suffering and trying to take their own lives in my hospital environment, why don't they pull themselves together and get on with the rest of their lives? But now having probably suffered what they were going through at the time, i totally understand 110%. I believe that my problems are emotional. I don't think that i can totally accept this in my brain and i think this may be most of the problem with me. I suppose i might still have the nagging in the back of my head saying that i could not possibly feel so very ill if it is not physical. I try and reassure myself that i have seen a cariologist and i have had an MRI of my brain, which were both clear. I do struggle to accept that my heart is fine because of all the physical symptoms that i get in that area. Also i do try and convince myself everyday that it is fine. I myself, find it hard to believe that up until three years ago i was a fully functioning happy individual with my life infront of me and looking forward to each new day. Nothing got to me, i could cope with anything that life threw at me, more or less. I was always rushing here and there, helping everyone i could, dedicated to my job and probably too dedicated really. If there was anything going on - i was in with it, or organizing it. Any charity event, i dressed up and raised money and i did this on my own as my surgery are boring and did not take part. I think this prompted more people to donate money, through pity for me as i had done it all alone and was proud of the fact. I have always worked and i have raised three children and looked after my hubby and our home. I have driven around relatives who don't drive and have gone out and danced the night away. Used to love going on holiday and having a drink and a laugh, getting on stage for my kids and taking part. I have always done everything for my family, that i could, and every birthday i have organized them a party and done all the food and entertainment as well. This was my life and now i feel like i have lost all of this. Three years ago it was suspected that i may have cervical cancer and was called for a colposcopy. I attended and it came back with severe changes. I attended for another one, with a consultant at the hospital and he said all looked fine. Cervix of a 19 year old, no problems. He asked me if i wanted him to ring the lab as he suspected a mix up of results, i said no it is ok. He asked me what i wanted him to do, and me being normal and brave then, said oh do the loop excision just in case while i'm here. What a big mistake that was! He injected me with lots of anaesthetic and because this was going into my cervix my blood pressure dropped, normal i know, but i went 'funny'. I was so very scared, everything went strange and i thought i was going to die. They flipped me back and carried on the operation. I was strapped to the table with nurses around me and totally helpless. It was truly awful. I went 'funny' twice more that day and thought that it was the after affects of the anaesthetic. That was that, for then. A few months later things started to happen to me. I began with flash backs, while awake, and started having the same symptoms that i had had during the operation. I went to the gp and they put me on Seroxat. Second mistake. It made me strange, i told the gp three times about this and they kept on increasing the dose until i could hardly walk. This was the start of the unreality, my body learned this feeling and now it will not let it go. Things carried on getting worse for me, feelings and strange symptoms. I get all the classic symptoms i think, going by what i have read, and a couple of extra's for good measure. I have seen an ENT consultatant, he said that my ears were fine, don't know why i am so dizzy. Cardiologist, sinus tachycardia and sinur arrhythmia and ectopics, normal too. MRI brain scan, normal and XRAY and MRI scan of neck - military neck at C4, but nothing else. I am seeing a counsellor, who is not helping i don't think, i have seen a psychiatrist who just offered me medication which again made me very ill, seeing a physio for my neck and am going to see a neurologist in two weeks to check for muscle problems or meniere's. I was found to have a reflex missing from above my right elbow and a weakness in my right arm, i am right handed. I was also found to have a tremor in my left arm, but nobody knows why. I have panic attacks, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and the symptoms are endless, well that's the way it feels. My hubby says that i am oversensitized, and i agree, but how do i fix it. My legs are like jelly and i feel like they won't hold me up, i am shaking, fast heart beat, hear my heart in my ears, ectopics, dizziness, feelings of doom, faintness, health worries, sheer terror and fear at most things. I don't socialize, i can't even get out of the car and pick up my son from school as i have to walk from the carpark and this terrifies me as i think i will collapse. I believe at times that i am going mad with unreality, DP, DR, feel crazy. GP has given me another 4 weeks off. Just feel like a different person now, feel ill and not right all the time. I hope i have answered your questions RLR.
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