Well, it was today and i went! But i could not go in his house and i drove my own car, hubby and boys went in one of the cars, daughter stayed with me. I followed the cars to the crem and parked up, but then my legs went and i couldn't get out of the car. I only buried my dad 5 weeks ago and i just couldn't get out. My daughter went in to the others and i stayed in the car and waited. I felt guilty, but at least i went, didn't think i would have managed that really.
The service was only about half an hour and then i drove us to the wake. I managed to go in and we stayed all afternoon, 3 hours. I did well, but i didn't feel well at all. I was constantly worried that i would collapse, faint and die the whole time. It was awful, i couldn't eat a thing, just kept drinking tea. My hubby did well and the kids were great, stayed by me, bless. I got through it without breaking down, on the outside, but felt such a wreck. Had severe waves of symtoms which was nasty, but i am back home and i survived, just. I am glad that i went, for dad and my family, but everything is just so hard for me at the moment. I am not coping with just living never mind anything else. My symptoms are very severe in all cases and just feel like i can't face another day like this. Nothing makes me feel better, just feel so ill all the time and can't do the 'accept and float' over it bit even though i try like crazy. I have tried to accept the unreality and dizziness, feeling like i am going to faint and die, my ears going funny and making the fear of fainting worse, the fast heart beat and ectopics, but things don't seem to improve, they have just got worse. I just want to feel like me again and not like a zoned out lunatic who doesn't even know or understand what is going on around me.

Hi Angie
You are doing well considering all the circumstances, angie.
But also wanted to say, don't beat yourself up about not being able to 'float' over the feelings. that is only one method of fighting this. It has never worked for me - I don't think your body or mind is capable of floating when it has so much adrenaline pouring through it.
I try to look the symptoms in the eye and stand and face them as if they were some kind of monster trying to trick me into thinking I am going to die any minute. Works much better for me than 'floating'.

After all adrenaline doesn't prepare you to 'fight or float' (I am going to trademark that I just thought of it) so why not work with your brain and body and if it is in overdrive try to use that to your advantage. I have tried sitting with pen and paper and writing down all the reasons I am not likely to die at that moment when I have felt really bad - works for me! Crazy bird that I am!
xxx

Hi

Sorry about your loss, you have been through it the past few months!!!

I read you post and noticed that you were doing a hell of alot of thinking about how you were feeling!!!  I know it is very difficult, as I myself do not know how to react to certain situations I kind of stop myself dealing with situations and I know I'm doing it, but still do it, If you'd actually said "I've done this" "I'm ok" "nothing terrible is going to happen" even if you didn't believe it to start with you have to keep saying it over and over in your head, engage in other conversations, try to do anything but keep thinking terrible things, as you are just making yourself feel how your feeling.

I think you have been very brave you have had to deal with 2 extremely big issues in a very short space of time, try not to bottle up your feelings as this can make anxiety worse.

Kath x