Well, went to work today and it took me 20 mins before i could get out of the car. Suffering really badly, don't know why, symptoms are really driving me mad. Unreality and dizziness are the worst really, but i went in and stayed for the full 4 hours again. But even though i did it and i can do my job, it is getting worse and worse, instead of getting any better and easier. I am still looking for another job but no luck yet. I really don't think i can go back again after today and i feel so weak and stupid for 'giving' in as it were, but i am really struggling so much. But i had to try and at least i did try, obviously not ready yet. My counsellor hasn't been doing anything for me but i still see her, due to see her next week. She didn't think i was ready to go back, but i just felt so guilty, still do. Thought that would go if i tried, but i feel worse now actually. I think the problem is that i just don't want to do the job anymore, i used to love it and have nursed all my life, i have studied hard and gone as high up as i possibly can for my position. I was and still am very good at my job, but i have no interest in it anymore since what has happened. I think this has proved it too me. I need to get out as quickly as possible i think. I feel like i am letting a lot of people down and feel such a wuss, but i just don't want to do it anymore and keep struggling and putting myself through this hell each day. :'(
I am very sad and low at the moment too, this is making it worse i think. I don't know how we will manage money wise if i do go back off sick, my SSP runs out in few weeks time then i suppose i would have to claim incapacity benefit which is virtually nothing. I am going to continue looking for another job and try my best to find something as soon as possible. I believe that i just need to get out of that surgery once and for all.
I am sorry for backing out, but i did try and kept trying now for a week.
So looking for a job now that doesn't involve nursing, invasive procedures and things like that. I think this will be a great help, now it is just finding something. Looking at school work perhaps, working with children again would be nice. I just need about three days, would be ideal, but i need the money more than anything and the problem with that also is that because i am so highly qualified at the moment my hourly wage has just gone up and up and nothing i will find will ever match that!
Struggling so much right now.x