Just wondering if you went back to the doctors today angie?? I sort of hope you didn't get signed off again as this may make next time starting back a bit harder. If you didn't, could you perhaps try and give it another week and then see how you feel? Obviously if you really feel like you're going under, then maybe its the best thing for you to give yourself a little more time...

On a completely different note, i just wanted to say - how great are some husbands, partners, wives etc etc?? I keep reading about how supportive your husband sounds and feel completely blessed with mine too - for putting up with me!! I asked him the other day if he got fed up with me, and he said he just got a bit sad that we couldn't do "normal" things like going out for dinner, or to the cinema, as these things often make me feel horrible. My husband goes out of his way to support me which is fab, but sometimes makes me inadvertedly not even try to do some things on my own   I'm really working hard on myself at the moment to try and get life back to "normal" and make my marriage a little more enjoyable for both parties!! (Especially with the baby on its way!).

Anyway, just thought I'd give a little cheer for the partners out there!  

Keep going Angie, you CAN do it...

Well, went to work today and it took me 20 mins before i could get out of the car.  Suffering really badly, don't know why, symptoms are really driving me mad.  Unreality and dizziness are the worst really, but i went in and stayed for the full 4 hours again.  But even though i did it and i can do my job, it is getting worse and worse, instead of getting any better and easier.  I am still looking for another job but no luck yet.  I really don't think i can go back again after today and i feel so weak and stupid for 'giving' in as it were, but i am really struggling so much.  But i had to try and at least i did try, obviously not ready yet.  My counsellor hasn't been doing anything for me but i still see her, due to see her next week.  She didn't think i was ready to go back, but i just felt so guilty, still do.  Thought that would go if i tried, but i feel worse now actually.  I think the problem is that i just don't want to do the job anymore, i used to love it and have nursed all my life, i have studied hard and gone as high up as i possibly can for my position.  I was and still am very good at my job, but i have no interest in it anymore since what has happened.  I think this has proved it too me.  I need to get out as quickly as possible i think.  I feel like i am letting a lot of people down and feel such a wuss, but i just don't want to do it anymore and keep struggling and putting myself through this hell each day. :'(
I am very sad and low at the moment too, this is making it worse i think.  I don't know how we will manage money wise if i do go back off sick, my SSP runs out in few weeks time then i suppose i would have to claim incapacity benefit which is virtually nothing.  I am going to continue looking for another job and try my best to find something as soon as possible.  I believe that i just need to get out of that surgery once and for all.
I am sorry for backing out, but i did try and kept trying now for a week.
So looking for a job now that doesn't involve nursing, invasive procedures and things like that.  I think this will be a great help, now it is just finding something.  Looking at school work perhaps, working with children again would be nice.  I just need about three days, would be ideal, but i need the money more than anything and the problem with that also is that because i am so highly qualified at the moment my hourly wage has just gone up and up and nothing i will find will ever match that!
Struggling so much right now.x

Hi Angie
You are doing well. You are doing so well sticking at it despite the horrible symptoms accompanying it. Can you see now though that the worsening of symptoms is linked to how you are feeling about the job - well most of them are I would think.

The best thing you are doing is thinking through your options and planning a job you enjoy is very healthy and a positive way to go forwards. It's not good for anyone to stick a job they hate. Even if you don't earn as much in a different job, perhaps one you enjoy will tide you over this period in your life.

You are doing so well - try not to think that you are letting people down because I am sure you are NOT. You have a very supportive husband who is helping you as well as he can. You are very lucky to have such a caring and understanding partner. Pat yourself on the back for bagging such a great bloke - and remember that is another great thing you have achieved!

I am sure you will be someone who recovers from all this because you are trying so hard!

bead xxx