First day back at work today after 6 months off.

Well i am so sorry, but it was awful and much worse than i expected!!
I got there ok and got in there ok, hubby was with me. He stayed with me and sat outside my room in case i needed him. I got in my room and turned on my pc and that was it, i went to pieces. Everything was unreal and unusual and i felt i couldn't cope with it i just felt too weird. A colleague came in, early to help me, and she had got me a balloon, bless her! I was just sobbing! She took quite a few patients off my list so it wasn't as much for me but it wasn't reallly that that was the problem to be honest. I just felt so 'not here' and 'not with it' at all. Everything was so awful. I got all my things ready and i did see my patients and i did stay for the full 4 hours but sitting here writing this now it just seems like i havent been except for the fact that i am upset again because i have felt so ill ever since. It has just been so bad, i knew it would be bad, but i didn't really expect it to be quite as bad as that. Hubby is really proud of me for going and for staying and doing it but i don't know if i can go back again.
After work i had to nip to a shop, which i did, hubby with me and i got out of the car and walked in the shop fine and thought ok i can do this. I stood at the counter and all of a sudden both my ears shut off - i couldn't hear - the pressure was in my head and neck and i felt like i was going to pass out right there and then. I took a deep breathe and put my head down and eventually i went ok, but i havent had this symptom for a few weeks and not this bad for ages and ages. This really scared me, it was so very bad. Does anyone else get this? I am just suffering so very much right now, still got the unreality and my thoat feels closed off and swollen, even my tongue feels swollen. I am so sad and if i just sit in my chair, again, it isn't so bad, but if i move everything gets so bad again. Unreality, dizziness, the phone rang and i knew it would be my mum asking how i have done and i got a shot of panic that i would have to even talk to her!! These symptoms are so very awful!!
I don't feel like i have let anyone down because i did go and i did the full 4 hours, and the guilt should subside now as well which will be good. But i just feel so ill and scared, so 'out of it', not even in my own head.

Thanks Kathryn, i am really struggling!  I did do Friday and i went back on Monday and Tuesday too.  Instead of getting better though i seemed to get worse and worse.  But i stayed for the full 4 hours each time.  Wednesday was my day off and i went back today too for 4 hours.  It was even worse today though and i don't know why.  I sat in the car for 20mins before i could even get out.  Again i stayed, struggled on and on, but i did it.  I am proud that i did it, but feel so awful, my symptoms just seem to be getting worse.  I don't understand this as i thought it would get better as i got back and did more, but no.  Main symptoms are the unreality and dizziness.  Sheer fear of something happening to me as well of course.  I kept plodding but the fear never went and just got worse.  But as for my job, i did what i was supposed to do and remembered everything i should.  Just these horrible symptoms driving me mad.  x

Hi
I dont talk a great deal on this site, just read the different topics and take great strength from it - Angie read your messages about returning to work and  the great effort it has taken for you to do this.
I think the greatest fear inside all of us is that when we reach these stages of fear and panic and all the symptoms that go with it is how does my body cope with all of this, I know that is what is always going through my head - I am lucky I work from home but do have to endure the solitude of that and my biggest fear is when I panic and I am on my own - I am constantly checking to see if there is a neighbour in ' just in case'.  
When we panic and we are amongst others not only do we endure that panic and everything that goes with it but we also put on this brave face and automatically carry on doing things and that is an even bigger burden.  Many a time I have been in a queue in a shop and  been so scared, cant get my breath feel dizzy but STILL try to carry on as normal  - I feel for you but I also feel what you have done by going back to work is amazing - think back at what you have done and how you have coped with it and although it has been horrible nothing has happened to you, honestly Angie I am 56 and I have suffered  since my early twenties - I was housebound for a long time, just couldnt go out - relied heavily on my husband and went through everything that you have been feeling but here I am over thirty years on - still ask the question why me? but take solace from my good days - what you have done is brilliant and just remember that when you are doing something like this and the panic kicks in everything is heightened - you are aware of every little nervy scarey thing in your body - keep it up Angie and be proud of yourself.