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Been to see dad at the chapel of rest. (Read 7898 times)

angiebaby

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Been to see dad at the chapel of rest.
Sep 27^th, 2007, 7:43am

Oh that was so awful!!!! I had two massive central ectopics before i even left the house! :'(
I managed to get out of the car and actually into the place and then i went all to pieces, i was too scared to actually go into the room. My hubby and two boys went in and i just stood by the door, to scared to look. I broke down and was just a wreck, eventually i managed to peer around the door and take a look at him. Oh it was so devastating, so terrible. I managed to get to the coffin and put the stuff in that i had to put in, hubby and boys put theirs in and then i just had to leave. My legs were so bad i didn't think i would make it back to the car. I was having a massive panic attack and thought i would just collapse, faint and die!!
I've still got to follow the coffin to be accepted into church tonight and go to the funeral tomorrow, don't know how i will do this, today has been enough for me.
I have nursed all my life and up until i left the hospital four years ago, the switch in my head was switched off. Dead bodies and the like never bothered me because it never got past the switch. I have been in general practice for four years and it has been that long since i saw my last dead body and i have been ill with PTSD and anxiety/panic for three years and now i just cannot cope at all. I am such a wreck. When my mother-in-law died, 10 years ago i coped fine and i also coped fine with my nana and others in my family that have passed away. But now, since i have been ill, the switch in my head is constantly switched on and everything gets to me and i can't even cope with day to day living, so this is just hell. I can't do anything to make it better, i have tried to thing horrible things, and get angry, to help me through, but i just can't, i am just in pieces and i have got to go tonight and tomorrow, i have no choice, and i am just so scared. :'(

Angiebaby.x
It take a minute to get anxiety and a lifetime to get rid of it!!

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beadbabe

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Re: Been to see dad at the chapel of rest.
Reply #1 - Sep 27^th, 2007, 9:17am

Oh dear. I haven't been through this but I did have a good friend who died (suicide) and I was so upset I found it hard to go to the funeral, but I did. And at my grandparents' joint funeral (they died a couple of days apart) I sat on the pavement outside the crematorium until I was practically dragged in. I find death devastating for my emotions (I'm not religious, so I don't have that to fall back on).

Do you have to follow the coffin in if it is too upsetting for you? I am sure people would understand if you told them this was too much for you to deal with. The feelings you have are so strong (and also normal!) you should be able to deal with this how you feel most comfortable. Your dad knew how much he meant to you when he was alive, and if you believe he is watching now, he still knows that.

The other day my mum was talking about a funeral of a friend of hers, whose daughter had got up and done a reading. I told her 'not to get any ideas' because although I love her very much, there is no way I will be doing that for her, because I will be too too upset. I can hardly imagine myself being able to go to the funeral, as she will be gone and she won't really be there. But she knows how close we are now, and that she is my best friend.

So, me aside, I am just trying to show you that your feelings are normal and that other people have thoughts about how they are giong to cope. In a way, so what you're allowed to cry and cry... it's your dad and you are going to miss him like mad.

Big hug for tomorrow x

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angiebaby

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Re: Been to see dad at the chapel of rest.
Reply #2 - Sep 27^th, 2007, 2:02pm

Ok, now i'm in a state. Went mum's and followed the coffin to church and then walked in after it! Managed to get in the church and stay for the small service, i thought it was about 10 min's but my daughter said we were in there for 20 min's, don't know how i managed that! Then went back mum's then had to come back home. I have been in a constant panic all day, panic attacks a plenty. Fast and hard beating heart, jelly legs, shaking all over, dry mouth, unreality, all the horrible sensations that we get. But, the one that gets me more than anything, the one i fear like mad is the fear that i will collapse, faint and die. This terrifyes me like mad and am always convinced that my body will not cope and this will definately happen to me. People tell me to take rescue remedy, but i am too scared to take anything since everything that i have taken in the past has made me ill. I am too scared to even take a paracetamol. So i don't know how i am going to manage tomorrow, just don't want to go and i know that sounds awful, but i have the funeral, the cemetary and the wake to deal with, and i don't think i can. But i have no choice, i have to go! So please help, how am i going to cope?

Angiebaby.x
It take a minute to get anxiety and a lifetime to get rid of it!!

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billycat

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Re: Been to see dad at the chapel of rest.
Reply #3 - Sep 27^th, 2007, 2:54pm

Oh you poor thing.

These feelings you are having are so horrible and are a result of extreme grief, shock and extreme anxiety. I have experienced EXACTLY those feelings you have described at many many places and situations. I've had multiple panic attacks through funerals that weren't even relatives - so I can completely undertand your fear of tomorrow.

It sounds like you are giving yourself an even harder time because of the 'trapped' feeling - ie that you know this is something that you HAVE to deal with - and want to - but you are feeling like there is no getting out of it and no escape and this probably makes you feel guilty too.

I may be completely wrong, so many apologies if so - but it rings bells with me - and I'm always always worse when there's a situation that I feel I can't escape from (even if I consciously don't want to escape from it, like weddings, funerals or even the cinema).

In your shoes, i would definayely take with me a small bottle of water to sip - and you could put rescue remedy in it (which will NOT HARM you in anyway whatsoever), and another one of my "safety" tools is Olbas Oil on a tissue to sniff at - because it makes me feel clearer, less likely to faint and suffocate! I also put an elastic band on my wrist and twang it whenever I feel like I'm becomming overcome with panic and it does help.

Just go with however you're feeling... try not to give yourself a hard time.

God bless,

billycat

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seffie

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Re: Been to see dad at the chapel of rest.
Reply #4 - Sep 28^th, 2007, 2:47am

Hi Angie,
sorry I didn't reply sooner to this post.
I think you will probably be at the funeral this morning so I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you & your family & I hope that you got through it OK.
I have felt exactly like you do now. Do everything you can to calm down your nervous system - Rescue Remedy is very safe, it is very subtle but works for me.
I hope you coped OK today, it is one of the hardest things you'll go through but it will get easier.
Take care
love Seffie xx

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Stu M

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Re: Been to see dad at the chapel of rest.
Reply #5 - Sep 28^th, 2007, 3:32am

Hi Angie,

I hope you manage to get through today.

Ive broken down at many funerals and at the last one I went to for my Uncle I had repeated skipped beats from when I woke up untill I went to sleep, I really thought they would have to bury me along side him.

My grief and anxiety were at their very peak that day, as I am sure yours is.

Our thoughts are with you on this extremely sad day!

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daybyday Full Member Offline I Love YaBB 2! Posts: 83 Gender:	Re: Been to see dad at the chapel of rest. Reply #6 - Sep 29^th, 2007, 2:18pm Hi Angie How are you doing in these following days? Many of us have lost someone dear and understand. Hugs
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angiebaby

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Re: Been to see dad at the chapel of rest.
Reply #7 - Sep 30^th, 2007, 5:38am

Finding things very hard. This is probably because of all i have been through recently i know, but am really stuggling. Yesterday was bad, was just dizzy and floaty all day, off balance constantly and this always frightens me. Today i think my anxiety is bad, feeling very sad, can't cope, missing him and wanting him back right now, no patience and just want to be left alone in my own little corner. Could cry at the drop of a hat, stomach churning and i'm now at the stage where i don't want to leave the house and go anywhere at all.

Angiebaby.x
It take a minute to get anxiety and a lifetime to get rid of it!!

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