angiebaby
Gold Forum Member
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Posts: 261
england
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Thankyou so much bead!! I know i am not alone, but sure feels like it don't it? It is terrifying and i am getting to the stage where i just don't want to go through the front door as i think i am going to collapse, faint and die. I haven't felt this bad in a long time but i think the anxiety of these low readings are in my mind and i can't get rid of them. I have to leave the house but i am in such a state when i do. I know this is my mental condition and probably nothing more but even trying to think that doesn't help. I have 'nearly' fainted on a few occasions. My earliest was when i was very little and i have the flu. My mum took me to the doctors and she had her gas fire full on in her room and as i was sitting on my mum's knee i remember saying that i didn't feel very well and they promptly ushered me through the door, put my head between my knees and bought me some lucozade! Then again i remember feeling 'funny' again when carrying my second child a couple of times and i had to sit down, but then i was fine again. Then when i had my c. section over my third child, the spinal block made my bp plummet and they had to squeeze three bags of fluid in my I.V and then i felt fine again. Of course i didn't get PTSD or anything after that because, i think, i was so pre-occupied with my new baby. Then when i had my operation three years ago and the injections, they used about three or four, made my bp plummet again. They threw me back in the chair and i came round a bit and then straight after it happened again. Then happened again when i was going to the car and then again in the car. So obviously because i happened more than twice, which is what people say, my body learnt this feeling and i developed PTSD from it. So since then i have been scared of fainting but now i have had those three low readings i just can't forget it and it has become more scary to me. I am trying to teach my body that when i feel a 'wave' come over me, where i think i will faint, that it is anxiety and panic and my bp will have gone up rather than gone down. But i remember having this 'funny' wave of feeling come over me lots when i was at work and i used to bend down and pretend to pull my sock up or scratch my leg. This was the same feeling, but what i really think it was was a wave of fear sweeping over me when in fact my bp would not have droppped at all. But still scares the hell out of me as i don't like the feeling and it just reminds me of the op. The other thing is what we say to ourselves, just thinking 'i don't feel very well', makes me go funny as this was the phrase that i used through both my op's. I know this is silly but my body automatically goes into a panic if i just think this, but i also understand that this is normal. I can feel a panic coming on now by just typing that!! If i say it i think i am just going to collapse, faint and die right there and then and if i just think it, i feel so very ill and think 'this is it'! I have bought myself a new outfit and i have had my nails done, i thought this might make me feel better, but it hasn't. I just feel so bad at the moment, i think i have felt this bad before so i must have been improving before. But obviously with losing my dad it has knocked me back, which i know is only natural. But i think it is the rest of it that is keeping my anxiety so high, even though i don't feel like my anxiety is high, just feel so ill and am going to die at any moment. I find it really hard to be near my mum and to go to the house. Even just seeing his car is terrible. I cannot look at his picture and mum has been sorting things out in the house and gives us things, that is very hard to. Thoughts of how things used to be and how he was and what he did, even thinking that he would have been the last person to touch that, you know what i mean, very, very hard. I know this is all natural and things are supposed to get better, but i can't see that far ahead. Can't even see tomorrow as each day passes. I can't look forward to anything and feel like my life is over. I used to think that i would be too chicken to 'do anything' silly and i love my family too much anyway, but when you are feeling so very ill and so very scared, even those thoughts have entered my head on a regular basis now. hate all the symptoms that we get and what it does to our bodies. This morning i was getting the 'old' feelings of feeling so very ill, impending doom, terror and could feel the panic start to well up in me, the cold chills down my neck, shoulders and back. The feeling 'funny' and not right, the unreality etc, etc. I feel no hope at all times and find even getting out of the chair to be so very hard and frightening, this is no life at all. Sorry to go on bead, i know i am not alone in this and i really appreciate the help you are giving me.xx
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