fear is worse than what we fear. If its failure, or any other fear, its so awful to feel.

That is why I am going to give the mindfulness meditations a try, to see if I can observe it and unpick it in a way that may tell me why my body is doing this.

At least we are now thinking outside of our own boxes

I'm going to try and talk a little more on negative thinking and its impact.

Since my last posting I've tried to make an effort to actively listen to my emotions such that I make note to pause for a moment each time I have what I perceive to be a negative thought or image. I am sure I missed many because I have become used to the process but from the ones I've remembered I think I can see some obvious traits.

Negative thoughts always seem have a trigger. I noted in my previous post that they seemingly appear at random times but I think I was wrong in saying that. An obvious example comes to mind. I have actively avoided watching hospital dramas on TV (Grey's Anatomy, ER, etc.) because they remind me of my own fears. I very much dislike seeing people having heart attacks or dying of diseases in hospital (even if they are just actors). I have always found these shows very boring and would normally just yawn my way through them, and have always disliked the 'deathly' tone of these programs, but I never once had a problem with actually seeing one on TV before my anxiety. When Michael Jackson died and the news reporters were all saying it was cardiac-related I purposely avoided watching the news; not because I was affraid of hearing about a man that'd died, but I didn't want any reminders of heart attacks or illnesses because these were things that I was having serious anxiety over.

Previously when my anxiety was much worse than it is now (I would say it its height), I was seemingly bombarded with reminders of the specific things that I was worried about, notably heart attacks. Every single day I would see things about heart attacks, death and illness. Michael Jackson's heart stopped and killed him (albeit drug induced), I was obsessively looking up heart related issues on Google, news reporters seemed to be reporting heart attacks constantly, even people in online games would have usernames like "h34rt4774ck" (if you can't read that, it says "Heart Attack"). I even started becoming superstitious to the point where I started thinking it was a sign of things to come.

The point of the above paragraph is that these negative thoughts also seem to be rooted in fear. When I look back on the above times and remember, there really wasn't any force working against me producing all these heart related events, it was my own mind actively seeking them out and recognising them in every detail. I was paying no attention to the other events in my life and focusing in on one or two in particular.

I will post more on this aspect of our anxiety at another time when I have more to add.


George.

Hi Jo / George,  
I’m not RLR, but I’d like to comment on your posts as we are on this journey together and I think commenting on each others posts might, just might, help us all along, even if by accident. Hope so.

Hi Jo,
I agree with you that people can be afraid to leave the safety of the familiarity of what they know – anxiety for us usually, or is it now just a habit to have our anxiety threshold ticking over so high that it now seems the norm?

And for sure focusing in on it with negativity does certainly make it much worse. I guess working where you do exposes you to your fears frequently.

But other people have a similar job and don’t experience the same problems, so there is something else going on too I guess – as you know.

I bet most people see many of us on this forum as quite confident, apparently people think that of me too – but it’s really an act, I’d feel ashamed if people knew how I really felt inside, so I guess we hide that from them? we are ashamed to show our true feelings as they seem weak.

We are not the person that we want to be at the moment are we. Perhaps that goes for ALL o fus with these issues?

What do you think?


Hi George,

I guess the negative thoughts seemed not to have a trigger at 1st because they have now become an instinctual habit? And you are or were avoiding exposure to your fears by turning away from the news and those hospital type programs, because they remind you very vividly of your own fears – as you said and I think this is a classic anxiety sign.

It’s kind of like buying a type of car that you have only seen once or twice before, then seeing that same type everywhere you drive now you are looking out for it. Before it was not on your radar, now it is. It’s the same with us now; our radar is set to consciously or subconsciously be on alert for things relating to our anxieties in any way.

As you know, the question is why do we get to that stage, when normal people don’t?

Do you have lots of spare time in your day to ruminate on your issues George? I know I have way too much time and it certainly doesn’t help at all. Are all of us on this forum using our mind space for the wrong thoughts?

Tyler spoke about mindfulness and you have done some of that right now by stopping to actually observe your thoughts, you have observed the fearful thought and found that actually you are NOT your fearful thought at all - do you get what I am saying? it's a weird thing when we take a step back and just observe what is going on in our own minds - so much of it is habit and negativity, which is why I think we feel out of control...

and I think that is a big issue with most of us here, the fear of being out of control of our lives, out of control of our own bodies, but in reality we only have control of our minds in this very moment - ok that's too deep for me! I'm out of here!  

Jason, I agree with what you are saying.  We feel out of control of our thoughts and of our bodies, and the anxiety stems from that.  What makes it hard for me is that it feels like you cannot escape the anxiety.  You can't take a vacation from it.  But I think what we are all coming around to here is that we DO have quite a bit of control......if we get control over our thoughts and how they leap to illogical conclusions, we will, in a sense, have control over our bodies as well and the symptoms that come up simply from anxiety.

The reason RLR is a comfort is that he speaks the truth from experience and the truth brings comfort.  We go to the doctor because he speaks the truth.  We read up on Google because we think it will give us the truth of the matter, although we don't have the ability to sift through what we are reading well enough to have it actually BE truth.  

These are all external sources that bring me temporary relief from being anxious.  Go to the doctor and he tells me I am fine.......feel better for a time until some strange new sensation crops up and the cycle starts all over again.  

How can I stop the cycle myself, without the constant need for affirmation from an external source?  Of course, there are times when you DO need to go to the doctor, and for a person that struggles with anxiety related to health, that can be really hard to determine.  But, really, I don't want to have to go to the doctor to put my mind at ease when I have already been told that everything is ok.  

My control returns to me (don't want to speak for everyone!) when I can speak the truth of what I know to myself, make the choice to not be afraid of what is to come, and get on with my life!

Typer wrote on Aug 25^th, 2010, 12:43pm:


Yes, I have other symptoms too that most of the time I don't recognise. Loud noises also make me startle and can also leave me feeling a little shaky. Bright lights sometimes bother me, too. I have chest pains and shortness of breath, increased heart rate. My hands also seem to tremble mildy if I try to hold them out steadily. I get shooting pains in certain places, I'm irritable and have little patience anymore.

Again, I tend not to focus on any of those and remain focused on the ones that I fear the most, such as chest pain and increased heart rate.

Welcome Jules and thank you for your input. So sorry to read about your loss. I know it was some years ago, but from what you say, it must have been a shock.

I cant speak for all of us, but I know some of us have read Claire Weeks. For me personally, that is when I began to feel a lot less scared. Even so I am determined to be free of them because for me, when they happen, I can feel quite faint with some types I get. Not all of them do that to me, but some cause me to feel as though I am underwater

Thanks Typer ! I also listen to motivational CD's, such as Brian Tracy ,as I am falling asleep - these seem to give me more confidence as time goes by.

JotheNurse - I worked in the NHS for several years and know how stressful and frustrating it can be! On the dependency issue, I know exactly what you mean, and I only overcame this after my husband died, - although I am not recommending it as a strategy! The fact that I was alone and had to cope for my son's sake (he was only 10 at the time) actually made me stronger. Now when I feel the panic coming on (which is rare nowadays), I say "hang-on, you coped with THAT, and this is peanuts by comparison".

Strangely, when I recently had a brief relationship with a new man, I found myself slipping back into my old dependent ways and having more anxiety! Since we agreed to part as friends I have become stronger and calmer and more in control again. So I am obviously quite barmy, but at the moment the answer is to be on my own.

.....

don't know if this helps?!!

Hi Typer - Yes, It's probably a childhood thing, my mum died when I was 9 and my Dad brought us up, he is brilliant. I suppose I may put men in father-figure roles!

On the work-thing, since I started to work for myself things are a lot easier as I only have to seem strong in short bursts, such as when visiting clients. As I work from home I can now "be myself" most of the time.

I spent many years as a senior engineering manager in industry, but when I worked in the NHS I found it a lot harder on my confidence. Far from being the caring environment one expects, I found it to be very clique-ey and undermining. It is also frustrating, in that things that obviously need changing never happen because of the endless meetings and bureaucracy. Looking back I don't know how I put up with it for 4 years, never-mind 20, Jo!